Miracle

Thoughts (and a poem) about who we would be if life didn't throw curveballs, and who we become anyway

One of the things I struggle most with is wondering who I would be if chronic pain wasn’t a part of my life. I try not to dwell on this, but it’s something I think about from time to time and it makes my heart ache some days. Jenny Peterson posted a note about this recently:

I know a lot of people with chronic illness struggle with this too. And it really doesn’t just apply to life with health challenges. I think anyone who has been thrown a curveball in life questions who they would be if life had just gone the way they planned.

But life does throw curveballs. Difficult things happen that we never expected. And I think so many of us wrestle with this.

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I was a really bright student in school. I graduated at the top of my class and had big plans to either become a clinical psychologist or a behavior analyst. But when I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in psychology, I was struggling with my health too much to go to grad school right away.

So I took a break. And unfortunately my health never got to the point where I felt ready to go back.

I think my biggest hurdle with my chronic illness is wondering who I would be if not for all this pain. And like Jenny said, we’re human and it’s normal to question this.

Chronic illness and health challenges can take so much from us. And I believe it’s actually healthy to grieve these things.

But I refuse to let myself stay here too long. And I also like to think about all the ways this life of chronic pain has actually changed me for the better.

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It’s given me a deep sense of compassion for others who are hurting. It’s taught me how to sit with people in their pain without rushing to try and fix it. I view this as a gift.

It’s taught me to slow down and be more present in my days. This life of chronic pain has opened my eyes to the small miracles I know I would likely overlook in a faster life.

There’s a quote by Sophia Joan Short that I love:

Maybe the amount of extraordinary things that happen in your life depends on what you notice.

This life of illness has somehow taught me to notice more. The birds singing outside, the way light falls across the wall some mornings, tiny details—there are so many little things I notice now that sustain me on difficult, painful days.

So yes, I grieve all the things that my pain and illness has taken from me. But I’m also grateful for all the things it has given me. And for me, that’s what living well with chronic illness is all about:

Learning to hold both the grief and the gratitude.

If I could choose a pain-free life, I would. But that is not how things have worked out. So instead, I choose to embrace what I’ve been given. Some days this is easier than others, but trying to focus on the gifts has been helpful for me.

Since you all seemed to enjoy my last poem so much, I wrote another one about this.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

Miracle

Sometimes I wonder

who I would be

if life hadn’t been so harsh.

If pain hadn’t become

my daily companion

all those years ago.

Perhaps I would have become

the doctor in the white coat,

instead of the patient

searching for answers

year after year after year.
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But I also think about

who I’ve become

because of all this pain.
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How it carved out spaces in me

where compassion could take root.

I’ve learned how to sit

in the unanswerable,

how to hold another’s ache

without turning away.

This life I didn’t choose

has shaped hands that reach,

eyes that notice,

a heart that refuses

to harden.
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And maybe I am not

who I would have been—

but I am someone

who knows how to stay

when things are hard,

and who knows how to find

tiny, shimmering miracles

in the longest, most difficult of days.
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And this, I’ve found

is a miracle

all on its own.

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Do you struggle with wondering who you would be if it weren’t for chronic illness or some other curveball life has thrown your way? It’s something that’s not talked about a lot, but I’d love to hear all about it.