It Gets Better

A celebration of this life

Photo by Natasha on Unsplash

Yesterday I celebrated six years since I checked myself into the psych ward of a local hospital for suicidal ideation. I was in so much pain (from an undiagnosed cerebrospinal fluid leak) I didn’t know how to go on living. I thought I was losing my mind. It was the darkest time of my life.

Today, I’m not 100% cured. I still have pain and symptoms that I deal with daily. But yesterday I celebrated life. Because I am so thankful to still be here on this earth. Six years ago I didn’t think I had the strength to keep fighting. I had just quit my job and that was a huge loss. I had no idea where to go from there. I had no clue what was wrong with my body or why I kept needing surgery after surgery. I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

But by the grace of God, I managed to keep fighting. I left that psych ward a few days later with a renewed appreciation for life. I had a lot of hard work ahead of me and I would have to fight like hell to heal my broken body and spirit. But the work I’ve done in the past six years has been the most soul-nourishing, transformative work of my life.

In those six years, I got a diagnosis (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) that has explained all the pain and every symptom I’ve dealt with since I turned 16 and started on this journey with chronic illness. I got treatment for my CSF leak. But most importantly, the work I’ve done to heal has made me feel whole again and brought me back home to my true self.

I rediscovered my love of words and writing. I’ve fallen deeper in love with my husband than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned how to slow down, be more present in my life, and my eyes have been opened to all the beauty surrounding me every day. I’ve developed a deep appreciation for the little things in life. Despite ongoing pain, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for my life each day and I am constantly in awe of all the ways God shows us his love.

Looking back

I can remember the day I made the decision to quit my job as a case manager. I was recovering from my third spine surgery which, unbeknownst to me, had worsened my cerebrospinal fluid leak and was causing me to experience severe headaches, dizziness, and cognitive impairment. I was in so much pain—both physically and emotionally. I hadn’t been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome yet and had no idea why my body felt like it was falling apart. I felt like I was drowning and didn’t know how to save myself.

When I checked myself into the psych ward, I didn’t just feel like my body was falling apart, I felt like my life had completely fallen apart too. Doctors weren’t helping me. I thought I was going crazy with all the symptoms I was experiencing. I didn’t want to go on living. I had lost all hope for my future. It was truly a rock bottom moment.

I remember laying on the hard bed all alone in the psych ward with tears streaming down my face, praying to God to please do something. He did. He gave me the will to keep fighting. Something changed inside of me after that and I went home a few days later with a profound appreciation for life. I guess when you come close to losing something, you realize how precious it truly is.

Life is a gift

Once I was home, I slowly started the difficult process of rebuilding what felt so broken inside of me. Although I’d been through so much medical trauma, I agreed to start seeing new doctors and this time I found providers who truly listened and cared. I’ll never forget what it felt like to get my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome diagnosis; how validating it felt to finally know the true cause of all my medical problems. And then to get my CSF leak diagnosis and be treated after 16 years of debilitating headaches that I just somehow learned how to live with; to say it was life-changing feels like the understatement of the year.

But that wasn’t the only way my life changed after my stay in the psych ward. What changed the most was that I was never again going to be able to see life as anything other than a great gift. I started living more slowly, and with that shift, I started noticing things that I had been far too busy to notice in my previous life.

The way the light poured in and danced on my bedroom wall early in the morning, birds singing as I walked out to my car, the color of the sky at sunset, flowers, so many glorious flowers. And with this newfound noticing, I started to realize just how many blessings surrounded me every single day. I started to see evidence of God’s goodness and love everywhere.

Coming home to myself

I began writing again, a passion I had when I was younger but forgot all about as I grew up. My brother helped me create a blog to keep my family and friends updated on my health progress. What I never expected was to start getting messages and emails from people all over the world who had found my words and wanted to thank me for helping them feel less alone. “I felt like you were telling my story” and “thank you for putting what I was feeling into words” were things I started to hear often. I knew then that I had to keep writing.

I joined a writers group, started an Instagram page where I could document all the beauty I was discovering day after day, and kept filling my blog with words to inspire people to keep fighting, no matter what life threw at them. I began to connect with so many amazing people. A writer friend helped me get my first freelance job and taught me how to actually start making money with my words. I rediscovered my love of poetry, something that brought me so much joy as a child. And now I’m working on my book proposal for my memoir/chronic illness survival guide.

The truth is, I still have hard days and seasons where I get so tired of living with a chronic illness. I will never be cured and expect I will always struggle with chronic pain. But my life these days is so incredibly full and rewarding. I am so much happier and more at peace than I ever was before everything fell apart. Six years ago, I never could have imagined any of this. I thought my life was over. But it was really just beginning.

I keep sharing my story because I want others to know that it really is possible to turn your life around. Even when you’re in the darkest, most hopeless place you’ve ever been. God can take what looks like a complete mess and make it into something so beautiful. And pain and suffering can teach us things that we never could have learned in comfort and ease. I’m grateful for every single trial I’ve endured because it’s given me wisdom, perspective, and a depth of character I know I would not otherwise have. Our darkest days really do shape and form us, revealing things we could never discover in the light.

If you’re hurting right now, if you feel like you’ve lost it all, if life just feels really hard and dark, I’m here to tell you to please hold on. Don’t give up. There is so much goodness and beauty waiting for you if you just keep fighting. My life and my story are proof of that.